do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
