worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
