I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
