Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
