shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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