you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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