I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
