You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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