my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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