Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
