If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We left the knife in your bed.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
