not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
