I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
