Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
