Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
