omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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