Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
