I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
