we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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