My cat gives me a boner
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
