in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
