On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
