Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
