I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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