i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
