Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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