How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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