I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
