I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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