So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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