remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
