When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You are a genius and a whore.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
