this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
