oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
50% drunk capacity currently
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
