god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Randomize
