the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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