Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
