She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
