Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
