We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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