I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
