just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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