Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I need to align my fucking chakras
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
