i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
