Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
