you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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