she looked like the before picture.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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