How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
