i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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