I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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